For years I'd prayed and yearned for more children. I wanted so desperately to have a large family (even when we already had a large family). But my husband was not on the same page. He knew our hands were full, the stresses of this dispensation of the reality of living in an area (that we knew was home) where we both have to work outside of the home full time, it just wasn't realistic. And I have to tell you, this girl here is a dreamer and I love Jesus and believe Him for His provision big time. However, I will honestly say, for some time I was putting the Lord in my little box of wants and dreams of me being able to homeschool, have a huge family, make everything from scratch, be an artist and on and on, but not taking the time to seek Him and His dreams for us.
But I will tell you from the depths of my heart, my other prayer during that time was to be a good wife to my precious man and to be a good mom to our boys and that, I believe, was the small still voice I was actually listening to in the midst of my dreams. So the slow painful process began of letting go of dreams and "facing reality" and placing our kids in school and looking for a job. But what happened with that was I actually started to hear my husband, not just listen to him, but hear him, which in turn honored and loved him. And the the kids, God gave them teachers whom He picked and schools, although public and there were (and still are) conversations that need to happen on an on-going basis (and yes, some that grieve our hearts), that were small and have helped them grow and thrive academically and physically beyond our hopes.
And then the Lord blessed us financially with a full time job for me with benefits and retirement, a job that by earthly standards, is amazing. But I will say, after the initial excitement of going to work and getting a paycheck and learning (I love learning new things) the reality of being gone from home, learning a new routine, dealing with angry people, feeling the "guilt" of not doing everything at home and feeling like a failure kicked in. And it was over two years I struggled with the Lord, questioning Him, our choices, my husband's leadership (was he listening to the Lord??---most definitely yes, but I was not hearing that then). But the Lord pressed on, never leaving me, ever gracious and patient, continuing to lead and minster to my fearful heart and continually softening my husband's heart with great patience for me. And bit by bit, He has ministered and counseled my mind and heart.
What have I learned in the past almost three year, when forced to be quiet, to trust Him wholly and completely with my life? That I can. I will tell you honestly, He revealed a deep fear in my heart and lie in my mind, that at times I am still working through- that I am not enough. Yet His Truth is renewing my mind that I don't needs others approval for my value. We hear so often, and accept that saying, "I'm a people pleaser." But why? I stopped saying it. We need to speak life over ourselves. Instead I say who I am.
I am a daughter of the King.
I am saved by grace.
Greater is He that is me than he who is in the world.
My sins have been paid for by the shed blood of Christ on the Cross.
I am a new creation in Christ.
My past is my past and His mercies are new every morning.
His Word is Truth.
He says I am who He says I am.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made, created in His image.
He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind.
I am a God pleaser - not a people pleaser.
Daily, I choose these truths. Not in pride, but humble gratitude and confidence in His truth and the great sacrifice He made for me. He deserves no less! He has given us the gift of life. The living and personal God! And when I pray, read His Word, repeat these things and praise Him, His peace floods my soul. I stop looking out and comparing and thank Him for the sweet gift of my life and the plans He has for our life and can rejoice for others. That is a precious gift that gives freedom. Knowing your cup, maybe appearing through earthly eyes, to be cracked earthenware or fine silver, in truth, it is yours in His hands. And anything in His hands is the finest of the finest!
All that had to be said so it could be understood the surprise the Lord heaped upon us last November with the addition of new jobs, was a miracle baby. I say miracle because it was a prayer I had finally set at His feet with joy and let go, praying every so often, but not in desperation, and thanking Him for our sweet ones and knowing my husband's heart and wanting to truly honor him. I will keep it real, it wasn't a jump for joy finding out, but I had peace (and still lots of prayer for my sweet man who sees our age and finances). But there was peace. And our precious Father topped it off when at the 20 week ultrasound, the tech looked at hubby and said, "Papa Bear, you are going to have a princess." Humbled mama with tears right here.
I want my life to bring Him glory. I am a wretch He saved from the pits, clothing me in white, and He continues to heap blessing upon us. He is patient and when we question, He patiently ministers to our hearts and waits for our obedience. It is a daily walk, but His love is repeated over and over again in His Word- His love is steadfast and He is faithful! He gives good gifts, by His standards, not the world's. And despite the hardships and sadness of this world, my heart can trust Him. He is a good good Father.
Spencer
We're so thankful!!!! Our sweet boy arrived 1 week late but the best part is he arrived on his daddy's birthday. We're so thankful for your prayers! The delivery went well and what a miraculous moment to see this precious little boy the Lord knit together in my womb. To Him be all the glory!